SAYING GOODBYE TO MY CATCH 22

I have 1,112 Facebook friends. Out of that I could count the number of the people who really understands me well enough using the fingers of both of my hands.

And one of those given few is YOU.

I have a confession to make,conversations with you keeps me sane. And frankly, I really don't know how I can survive without them.

It was stupid of me to write the things I feel. It was stupid of me to trust you… that you know me and care about me enough not to get scared.

I am sorry.

I really never asked about your previous relationships. But I still remember the story about the girl who got away. And I know that you got hurt real badly.

I was hoping to be the Band Aid who would help to heal that pain away but I guess three years of being a doormat has taken its toll on my heart.

I told you earlier that I have to quit our friendship in order to save my sanity and then while I was getting ready to go to bed tears started to flow from my eyes… I realized that I would lose so many things in letting go of the bond that we had…

No more long walks…

No more long sensible conversations about so many things…

No more GLEE-deokes…

No more weird marathon texting…

No more Sunday dinners…

No more plans to watch Thor…The Avengers or whatever good that is on…

No more comforting hugs and shy smiles…

You said that you’re worried about me after you’ve read my post, that you really don’t know how to react. I said that you worry about someone who’s sick or who’s in immediate danger but when you learn that a good friend cares so much about you, one should be thankful and happy.

You said that you’re worried that you’d hurt me.

I said that I’m used to it, three ‘effin years of silence is just the crust of the pain that you’ve caused me.

You apologized.

I told you that there is no need to apologize; it was my choice to stay.

You said for all it’s worth we’re still friends.

I said that I’m tired.

Now it’s too late to realize that I have lost a piece of myself when I said that. I am my true self during my weekends with you and I treasure our friendship because it’s a symbiotic relationship, I have learned so many things from you during our long conversations that I won’t learn from some random dates or any of my other friends. And I do know that I keep you interested enough with whatever stories I tell you to keep you coming back for more…

There’s no more you and for sure I’ll miss all the things we do.

I wish I could do something less drastic than this in order to save myself but it’s a Catch 22 situation.

Therefore, I quit.

TWELVE: A BIRTHDAY POST

i am turning older in a few nutes, and it has been a tradition of mine to cry during my birthday...

I mourn because I age... I mourn because I have aged and I have not learned anything substantial about life nor have I contributed anything towards the betterment of it.

I am still the same 12 year old girl who has high hopes for the future... Who wishes on stars and believes that her knight in Reynold's Wrap armor is going to sweep her off her feet. I still believe that there's Neverland and Happily-Ever-Afters are real...

I still believe that despite all the bad things that happened to me since I was 12 years old, things would turn around one of these days and I would finally be happy.

I am still 12 and my heart is still on my sleeve.

I am still 12 and I still see the world with childlike wonder.

I am still 12 and I still believe in the kindness of strangers and that good things happen to good people.

I am still 12 despite of the reality that I am a single mom and the bread winner of the family and that I am seeing this guy who wouldn't even realize that I do care about him.

As the clock turns midnight and I turn a year older, I'd weep for the passing of years.

But like a phoenix emerging from the ashes, I'd make sure that my soul drinks from the fountain of youth and I'd remain a 12 year old girl who looks forward to whatever life brings her way, with a smile on her face and a song in her heart.

TO THE BOY WHO KNOWS I EXIST BUT WHO REFUSE TO LIKE ME

I have always wanted to write about you but I don't know where to start. After too many movies, too many walks and too many talks, it's all become a jumbled mashed up of memories and YOU.

We have been strutting this dance for quite some time now. Almost three years if you're going to disregard the cliff hanger months in between.

Our first date wasn't something out of a Mills and Boon classic. I still remember that we met somewhere in Quezon Avenue and we got a cab to Greenhills. The conversation inside the cab was decent enough. I think the movie was "300" if I remember it correctly... During the film, we were trying to dub some very funny lines over what the characters were saying and it's just so amazing how our brains kinda clicked even though we technically knew each other for 20 minutes back then...that's when I felt that I have met another kindred. The night ended perfectly with you giving me a rough draft of Spidey drawn on a Starbucks napkin paper.

It was followed by another movie date and another and another... Then I think it was some time last year when we both discovered that we both could sing decently that we started to hit the karaoke nests and start catarwauling hits from Aerosmith to Zappa.

I told you once before that I like you. And you told me that you like me too but you don't like complications and that you aren't the right guy for me. I conceeded because perhaps like my daughter's dad we are better off as friends.

So I started dating other guys and you sometimes tell me about your conquests. But whenever you'd notice that I am getting too close to a particular someone you ask me weird stuff... maybe it's just my imagination but I can't help but sense a little jealousy perhaps?

You were my only friend who was there for me when Ken and I broke up. I was a mess... I was broke... My mom threw me out of the house... I was running a fever and my throat was itchy. It was your birthday then and it was two days after New Year's and all establishments were either closed or a can of sardines but you patiently scanned the Metro with me for an available karaoke den or bowling alley or basically ANYTHING just to take my mind off my failed engagement. You patiently heard my complaints and my sighs of what-have-yous...

It wasn't all perfect, we do sometimes have our scrapes. Actually I have lots of issues when it comes to you. But all is forgiven because it has been established from that start that it would NEVER be US. So whenever I would get tired of waiting and just walked out on you after you braved the Ayala - Quezon Avenue MRT commute and the Commonwealth traffic during rush just to reach SM Fairview before the last full show only to receive a text message that I'm safely tuck in my bed, I would never hear a single word of ranting from you because it's not us... And whenever you'd skip one of our Sunday night things because you're too tired from a tourney ,or whatever it is you gamers do, I feel as if I have to right to make "tampo" because of the same aforesaid rule.

I have never met your friends nor you have met any of mine... It was never arranged to be that way.

You would tell me about your folks and your brothers and I would tell you about my mom and my daughter but we both cringe at the idea of meeting each other's blood relations.

I think it's not that we're ashamed about each other or something horrible like that. But our "relationship" has an unspoken mantra that these things would just make things more complicated that the usual.

Last night was another date of similar patterns. Good food,fun movie and good conversation. It was just marred by the fact that because of my natural knack for stupidity I somewhat misplaced my phone and some lucky bloke happened to have found it. But this certain smudge in the pattern made me looked at "US" at a different perspective.

You asked me if I'd allow you to buy me a new one because it's my birthday and all you were with me when my phone got lost.

I said a blunt no.

And remember what else I said to you last night?

"I am here because I like you and not because of anything else that I can gain when I am with you."

And you smiled and you hugged me. And I joked that you are just hugging me so that you'd rid yourself of guilt.

That's how I am... I joke about how I feel for you. Because I am afraid that we weren't meant to BE and it's best for us to stay as eternal movie buddies.

I pretend as though I am insensitive. But, really, I am not.

I notice the little things and they bother me.

You wouldn't believe how little the things that set me off.

But I suffer quietly, in secret, for fear of being accused of being too sensitive or scrutinizing.

For fear that I might lose our friendship in the process.

Because I have a confession to make conversations with you keeps me sane. And frankly, I really don't know how I can survive without them.