ODE TO NICE GUYS: This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern.

This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it.

This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that. The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

SAYING GOODBYE TO MY CATCH 22

I have 1,112 Facebook friends. Out of that I could count the number of the people who really understands me well enough using the fingers of both of my hands.

And one of those given few is YOU.

I have a confession to make,conversations with you keeps me sane. And frankly, I really don't know how I can survive without them.

It was stupid of me to write the things I feel. It was stupid of me to trust you… that you know me and care about me enough not to get scared.

I am sorry.

I really never asked about your previous relationships. But I still remember the story about the girl who got away. And I know that you got hurt real badly.

I was hoping to be the Band Aid who would help to heal that pain away but I guess three years of being a doormat has taken its toll on my heart.

I told you earlier that I have to quit our friendship in order to save my sanity and then while I was getting ready to go to bed tears started to flow from my eyes… I realized that I would lose so many things in letting go of the bond that we had…

No more long walks…

No more long sensible conversations about so many things…

No more GLEE-deokes…

No more weird marathon texting…

No more Sunday dinners…

No more plans to watch Thor…The Avengers or whatever good that is on…

No more comforting hugs and shy smiles…

You said that you’re worried about me after you’ve read my post, that you really don’t know how to react. I said that you worry about someone who’s sick or who’s in immediate danger but when you learn that a good friend cares so much about you, one should be thankful and happy.

You said that you’re worried that you’d hurt me.

I said that I’m used to it, three ‘effin years of silence is just the crust of the pain that you’ve caused me.

You apologized.

I told you that there is no need to apologize; it was my choice to stay.

You said for all it’s worth we’re still friends.

I said that I’m tired.

Now it’s too late to realize that I have lost a piece of myself when I said that. I am my true self during my weekends with you and I treasure our friendship because it’s a symbiotic relationship, I have learned so many things from you during our long conversations that I won’t learn from some random dates or any of my other friends. And I do know that I keep you interested enough with whatever stories I tell you to keep you coming back for more…

There’s no more you and for sure I’ll miss all the things we do.

I wish I could do something less drastic than this in order to save myself but it’s a Catch 22 situation.

Therefore, I quit.

TWELVE: A BIRTHDAY POST

i am turning older in a few nutes, and it has been a tradition of mine to cry during my birthday...

I mourn because I age... I mourn because I have aged and I have not learned anything substantial about life nor have I contributed anything towards the betterment of it.

I am still the same 12 year old girl who has high hopes for the future... Who wishes on stars and believes that her knight in Reynold's Wrap armor is going to sweep her off her feet. I still believe that there's Neverland and Happily-Ever-Afters are real...

I still believe that despite all the bad things that happened to me since I was 12 years old, things would turn around one of these days and I would finally be happy.

I am still 12 and my heart is still on my sleeve.

I am still 12 and I still see the world with childlike wonder.

I am still 12 and I still believe in the kindness of strangers and that good things happen to good people.

I am still 12 despite of the reality that I am a single mom and the bread winner of the family and that I am seeing this guy who wouldn't even realize that I do care about him.

As the clock turns midnight and I turn a year older, I'd weep for the passing of years.

But like a phoenix emerging from the ashes, I'd make sure that my soul drinks from the fountain of youth and I'd remain a 12 year old girl who looks forward to whatever life brings her way, with a smile on her face and a song in her heart.

TO THE BOY WHO KNOWS I EXIST BUT WHO REFUSE TO LIKE ME

I have always wanted to write about you but I don't know where to start. After too many movies, too many walks and too many talks, it's all become a jumbled mashed up of memories and YOU.

We have been strutting this dance for quite some time now. Almost three years if you're going to disregard the cliff hanger months in between.

Our first date wasn't something out of a Mills and Boon classic. I still remember that we met somewhere in Quezon Avenue and we got a cab to Greenhills. The conversation inside the cab was decent enough. I think the movie was "300" if I remember it correctly... During the film, we were trying to dub some very funny lines over what the characters were saying and it's just so amazing how our brains kinda clicked even though we technically knew each other for 20 minutes back then...that's when I felt that I have met another kindred. The night ended perfectly with you giving me a rough draft of Spidey drawn on a Starbucks napkin paper.

It was followed by another movie date and another and another... Then I think it was some time last year when we both discovered that we both could sing decently that we started to hit the karaoke nests and start catarwauling hits from Aerosmith to Zappa.

I told you once before that I like you. And you told me that you like me too but you don't like complications and that you aren't the right guy for me. I conceeded because perhaps like my daughter's dad we are better off as friends.

So I started dating other guys and you sometimes tell me about your conquests. But whenever you'd notice that I am getting too close to a particular someone you ask me weird stuff... maybe it's just my imagination but I can't help but sense a little jealousy perhaps?

You were my only friend who was there for me when Ken and I broke up. I was a mess... I was broke... My mom threw me out of the house... I was running a fever and my throat was itchy. It was your birthday then and it was two days after New Year's and all establishments were either closed or a can of sardines but you patiently scanned the Metro with me for an available karaoke den or bowling alley or basically ANYTHING just to take my mind off my failed engagement. You patiently heard my complaints and my sighs of what-have-yous...

It wasn't all perfect, we do sometimes have our scrapes. Actually I have lots of issues when it comes to you. But all is forgiven because it has been established from that start that it would NEVER be US. So whenever I would get tired of waiting and just walked out on you after you braved the Ayala - Quezon Avenue MRT commute and the Commonwealth traffic during rush just to reach SM Fairview before the last full show only to receive a text message that I'm safely tuck in my bed, I would never hear a single word of ranting from you because it's not us... And whenever you'd skip one of our Sunday night things because you're too tired from a tourney ,or whatever it is you gamers do, I feel as if I have to right to make "tampo" because of the same aforesaid rule.

I have never met your friends nor you have met any of mine... It was never arranged to be that way.

You would tell me about your folks and your brothers and I would tell you about my mom and my daughter but we both cringe at the idea of meeting each other's blood relations.

I think it's not that we're ashamed about each other or something horrible like that. But our "relationship" has an unspoken mantra that these things would just make things more complicated that the usual.

Last night was another date of similar patterns. Good food,fun movie and good conversation. It was just marred by the fact that because of my natural knack for stupidity I somewhat misplaced my phone and some lucky bloke happened to have found it. But this certain smudge in the pattern made me looked at "US" at a different perspective.

You asked me if I'd allow you to buy me a new one because it's my birthday and all you were with me when my phone got lost.

I said a blunt no.

And remember what else I said to you last night?

"I am here because I like you and not because of anything else that I can gain when I am with you."

And you smiled and you hugged me. And I joked that you are just hugging me so that you'd rid yourself of guilt.

That's how I am... I joke about how I feel for you. Because I am afraid that we weren't meant to BE and it's best for us to stay as eternal movie buddies.

I pretend as though I am insensitive. But, really, I am not.

I notice the little things and they bother me.

You wouldn't believe how little the things that set me off.

But I suffer quietly, in secret, for fear of being accused of being too sensitive or scrutinizing.

For fear that I might lose our friendship in the process.

Because I have a confession to make conversations with you keeps me sane. And frankly, I really don't know how I can survive without them.

PLEASURE PARTY

It was a night I would never forget. It was supposed to be an innocent party. Allan was having some trouble with me for some time now. Dealing with his wife and with his extra marital rendezvous with me was becoming more and more complicated with the passing of the tides. So he decided to bring to his friend Jack to my 19th birthday party.

Jack is the typical self made man. He's a member of the "Sipag at Tiyaga" club. After finishing Applied Chemistry in one of the top State Universities in the country he climbed his way to the top of an international pharmaceutical company.

Had that night ended after Jack and I had sex, it would have been fine with me. I wanted everything to fast forward to next week and continue hitting on Allan.

Apparently, the whole group was rejuvinated by what they just witnessed. Now more than ever, everbody wanted to hook up. When Jack and I rejoined the table, everyone else wanted to continue with the game. I mean, we could have skipped with the formalities and went on straight sex, but I doubt these girls are up to an orgy.

Suddenly one of my neighbors, the old teacher, came storming out of her house - cursing and yelling at us. She was very upset with the noise we were making. "Ano bang akala nyo dito, night club! Ambabata nyo pa kung anu-anong kabulastugan ang pinaggagawa nyo!" She was obviously referring to Chinnie and Val. They are the only two in the group who really looked young.

Her husband came and calmed her down, man handling, dragging her back to the house. Before the old man closed the door, he flashed me a smile. He must have know how to party too in his younger years. I planned on drinking with the old man in the coming days. I knew he could teach me some old tricks... and perhaps enjoy his prick in so many other ways than one.

So we all sat there and continued with the game. This time there were only 7 of us - me, Allan, Val, Chinnie, Jack, Audrey and Paula. As the game wore on, nothing much changed. The dare stayed the same - Kissing for 2 minute - only everbody kicked it up a notch. I dont exactly remember who won the next rounds. But I remember who did who.

Allan and I had a chance to be intimate. We actually kissed too, but not as wild nor as passionate as the others had done it. I didn't hug him or anything. While we kissed, no other parts of our bodies touched. After 2 minutes, as I prepared to go back to my chair beside Jack, Allan stopped me.

He made me sit beside her, lifted both my legs and rested them on his lap. He even took my right arm and put both his arms around it - then put his head on my shoulder. It was then that I understood.

The kiss we just shared was out of consequence. I understood that we would do it again in the near future, under different circumstances. He had slowly endeared himself to me - the way he whispered sweet nothings to me during that movie house incident, the way he quietly looked at me as I shamelessly fucked Jack in front of him. He genuinely liked me. That time more than ever, I decided I'd make him my boyfriend. I had fallen in love with him.

I know that's a fucked up thing to say after I just banged another man. But, hey, that's how I felt.

Audrey and Jack went at it. She sat on his lap while they kissed. It got wild at some point so they fell off the chair.

Paula had his chance with Jack too. Not to be outdone, Jack kicked it up a notch. While they kissed he grabbed her ass and stood up. They kissed while she had her legs around him and he carried her around the garden. It was a scene straight out of a porn movie.

I had wanted to laugh at the whole thing. Minutes ago, I was sucking his dick like it's made of candy. Now these two other girls were making out with him like he's got the freshest meat in the world.

Before we started the next round, Chinnie noticed something on Audrey's head. She fell off the chair earlier and hit his head hard on the ground. Blood flowed from her head, soaking her shirt. The girls panicked. I ran upstairs to get some first aid and some new clothes. We took a break from the game and started treating Audrey's injury.

Jack used this chance to take me from Allan. When he wasn't looking, Jack grabbed me by the arm and led me to my room again. "I want more." he said.

Did I resist? Did I think about how Allan would feel? Have I had enough of the fucking that night?

HELL NO.

I don't know if it was the alcohol we had been drinking or if he was jealous with me and Allan. One thing wass for certain though. Jack was hell bent on fucking me, and we fucked as much as we wanted before that night ended.

I looked at my watch and found it was way past 3. When I looked down on the others from the window, they had been cleaning up. Time to call it a night. Jack and I went down to help them.

Audrey, Chinnie, Jack and Allan stayed. Val took a cab home. Paula, who realized she's not gonna get anywhere with the girls that stayed, went home as well.

We all gathered to rest in my room. Audrey, Chinnie and Allan lay on my bed. Jack and I fixed a futton on the floor. We were all well into dozing off when we were awakened by a familiar, slapping sound. I was not at all surprised to see Allan humping Chinne while she bent over. Audrey furiously licked her from behind, injury or no injury.

I looked,Jack was awake. That was easily one of the most awkward moments of my life. I wanted to fuck some more... but with who?

Jack, always the aggressor, made the decision for me. He got up and immediately asked me to work on his dick. I ate it like a starving african feasting on a gourmet meal.

I had a problem reaching orgasm. While Jack and I were having sex I was looking at Allan. I wanted to reach out to him but at the same time I couldn't stop fucking Jack. He felt so good he literally had command with all of my body, but my mind was fixed on Allan alone.

While Jack bent over and took me from behind, I finally had my chance to talk to Allan. It between thrusts I called out to him. He opened his eyes. My hand suddenly moved on its own and grabbed Allan's dick. While I was getting fucked by Jack from behind, I sucked Allan's dick. He wasn't at all against it. I thought it was just a matter of time 'til Allan let go all of his inhibitions... and I was right.

Allan came down from the bed and joined in on the action. He knelt beside me and we kissed passionately - while I continued to be banged by Jack from behind...

That's all I can remember from that night. When I woke up the following morning everyone was gone, except for Allan who was reading the morning paper while sipping a cup of strong coffee at the veranda.

"Good morning whore..", and he smiled a sheepish grin.

"TANG INA MO!", I laughed.

Sunday mornings have never been as perfect as this.

MAN WHORE HUNTING

There are very few moments in my life when I don't like myself. It's those moments when I let myself down for being a raging bitch. How?

I keep my word. I am always truthful. It is a trait that has endeared me to my friends. I cannot tell you how much I am totally different from them before. They are cool guys who get unbelievable ass on a daily basis. They would have thrown me out if only for one thing, I keep it real.

My friend was about to marry this guy back then, his name is Nathan.They've been dating for more than 3 years. One look at him and I knew he was a prick. I had no second thoughts about telling my friend about it. She didn't listen. I continued to bug her about this, but she would have none of it.

I love my friend. I was not gonna let her make the worst mistake of her life. So on a party months before their wedding, I set out to save her.

I waited 'til everyone was all tipsy and hammered. When I saw the man whore excuse himself to relieve himself, I followed him. I waited outside the men's john. When he got out, I asked him if there was anyone else in there. He said no, then I told him I really needed to pee but the girl's CR was full. I asked him to join me inside as a look out. I was so not surprised that he agreed. Inside, he asked me if I needed any help taking a leak since I looked tipsy. I told him he could help me unbutton my Levi's as I peed cause Im feeling really weak and could barely stand up. To this, he jumps me and starts kissing me while my back was against one of the toilet booth doors. I tried to stop him but his hands was sliding down the string that kept my thong in being intact.... Then he slowly reaches down over my wetness and started rubbing his right thumb on my clit while guiding me to turn towards the walls. While my face was right smack on the bathroom wall, he speedily unbuttoned my blouse so that my taut nipples would rub against the cold tiled surface of the small cubicle.

"I am so not doing this with you just so you can text me tomorrow morning and tell me you were just drunk.", he said.

"Shit Nathan, mali 'tong ginagawa natin... Baka may makahuli sa atin dito...Ohhhh tang ina ang sarap! Please stop, lasing ka lang...", I moaned while he started rubbing his hard cock on my bare back.

"Sino bang mukhang lasing sa 'tin" he replied.

"Ok, sino ako? Ang layo ng mukha ko kay [friend's name]"

"Tang ina naman eh ang libog mo. Alam mo, since day one pa nung pinakilala ako sa inyo ni Clarrise target na kita. Sabi ko sa sarili ko mas masarap ka yatang buratin!"

"Nakakatawa ka! Syempre alam ko. Ayaw mo ba?"

As soon as I hear the door opening I started kissing him again. He pushed his tongue deeper inside my mouth and kissed me harder. One of our guy friend walked in on us. "Tang Ina!" he blurts out. It took another 2 seconds before the man whore realized there was another person in the room. When he did she pushed me back and ran out of the bathroom. Our friend did the same thing. I saw him go straight to our group of friends before the door closes. I washed my face on the sink and gurgled before leaving the men's bathroom.

When I joined our table, silence enveloped the whole group. Even my friend was still there. She wasn't angry at all.

She was crying.

Silently - her two hands covering her face. They were quiet sobs of despair. I bit my lip to refrain from crying when I saw her shoulders trembling... I have never heard anyone cry like that in my life, nor would I ever want to hear another friend of mine do that. For a split second, I thought maybe I should have let my friend continue with this farce.

Soon, we all joined her. Tears flowed even from the eyes of my frat brods, self-confessed toughies. We all mourned for the 3 wasted years of her life.

My closest friend, Danny, starts patting my back, as if to congratulate me. This was a hollow victory. I had triumphantly disillusioned my friend. But I had to break her heart in the process.

It turned out, every one of my friends knew a thing or two about the man whore's infidelities. They have heard rumors from friends of friends, but nothing to back it up. They thought they'd just let it go.

I'm no saint. I am a girl version of an asshole. I've had men beg and plead for a continued relationship. I've seen them wreck their lives, cursing their parents for me... leaving their wives for me - then leave them for another guy who are better cunt kissers than they are.

I can be a lot of things.

But I am as loyal as they come.

I'd die for my friends.

Allan

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako sumama sa'yo nung araw na 'yon.

Napakabata ko pa at wala akong alam sa mga bagay na ikakikiliti ng aking imahinasyon. Dise sais anyos pa lang ako nun. "never been touched nor kissed" 'ika nga. Pero marahil dahil na rin sa excitement at curiosity dahil sa mga text message mo sa akin na nakakalibog naman talaga.

Pinili ko ang National Bookstore dahil dun ako comfortable. Napagusapan natin sa MIRC ang mga tungkol sa mga babasahing parehong kinahihiligan natin at dun tayo nagkasundo at nasundan ito ng marami pang topics at sunod sunod na phone calls. We were burning the lines all night at dahil likas ka ring bolero ay napapayag mo akong makipag-EB.

Mga twenty minutes na akong nagba-browse ng iba't ibang libro at wala pa ulit akong natatanggap na text message galing sa'yo. Medyo kinakabahan na ako nun...

Naisipan ko na lang na itext ka ulit.

"WR NA U? ko ung maputing grl naka micro skrt na denim at green na v-neck na shrt@purple bag. L8 po u ah."

After 10 minutes...

BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!

May message galing sayo:

"Nir na me."

Naiinip na ako nun. "Di ko alam bakit hindi ako umalis.. Siguro mas iwas gulo kung nag walk away na lang ako nun. Naisipan ko nang i-silent mode ang phone ko nun,resolved na na di ka na magpapakita.

After 4 minutes.

"Ikaw ba si Faith?", may biglang tumapik sa balikat ko habang naglalakad ako sa aisle ng children's books na malapit sa entrance/exit ng store.

Nagulat ako ng humarap ako sa boses na tumawag sa aking pangalan.

"Allan?"

Matangkad ka nga.Tama ang iyong pagkakadescribe sa sarili mo... Maputi at matipuno... Pero nagulat lang ako kasi you seems like my dad's age!

"Oo.", nahihiya mong sambit at sabay akbay sa balikat ko.

Naramdaman ko ang init ng iyong katawan nang madikit ang kanan kong suso sa tagiliran mo at bumulong ka sa akin, " Mabilog pala ang boobs mo Faith di mo naman nasabi."

Iirapan dapat kita pero pagtingin ko sa'yo di ko magawang magalit kasi ang cute ng smile mo.

"So, ano na ang plano?"

"Nood tayo ng sine, Allan may magandang palabas..."

Pumasok tayo sa sinehan at nagkataon na last full show and as ironic as it may seem, walang tao.

"Dun tayo sa dulo...", bulong mo sa akin. At hinila mo ako para umupo sa "KKK"- Kataas-taasan, kadilim-diliman at kalamig-lamigang sulok ng sinehan.

"Hindi kaya masyado nang malayo 'to?"

Ngumiti ka ulit at natameme na ako.

Pinaupo mo ako sa tabi mo. At umakbay ka ulit sa akin at bumulong ng,"Ang ganda mo pala Faith.Mabuti di ka natakot nang makita mo na may edad na ko?"

"Hehehehe, medyo po kaso badtrip naman yun kapag umalis na lang ako agad."

Ngumiti ka ulit habang hinahaplos mo ang buhok ko ng kaliwang kamay mo... Then bumaba ang kamay mo sa batok ko sabay masahe. Unti-unti akong na-relax at lalo akong nag-lean sa'yo.

"Anong gusto mong gawin ko Faith?"

"Ha?...."

Hindi mo na ako pinasagot unti-unti mong ipinasok ang kanang kamay mo sa plunging neckline ko...

"Teka... Allan, wala naman yata sa usapan ang..."

Hindi na ako nakatapos... naramdaman ko na lang na nilalamas ng kanang kamay mo ang kaliwang suso ko...

"Ang laki pala ng dyoga mo at ang lambot. Tang ina nakakalibog kang bata ka..."

Inimpit ko ang moans ko at baka may makarinig. Nanginginig ang aking katawan at di ko malaman kong ano ang gagawin ko. Takot ako sa'yo pero nasasarapan ako sa ginagawa mo sa akin.

Di ka na nakuntento sa paglamas ng dibdib ko. Biglaan mo kong hinalikan. Naramdaman ko na nababasa na ang panty ko at para akong kinikiliti at may gustong kamutin sa loob ng aking pagkababae.

Ganun pala ang first kiss. Para kang nalulunod pero you want to embrace that feeling. Nakakailang pero 'di na kita pinigilan gusto ko yung feeling...

Dahan-dahan mong kong pinatayo sa kinauupuan ko...

"Dito ka Faith... mas masarap maupo sa lap ko..."

Di na ako nakasingit pa... Kinalong mo na agad ako at tinaas mo ang mini skirt na suot ko. At mabilisan mong ibinaba ang panty na suot ko.

"Teka Allan baka may makakita... baka mahuli tayo ng guard...Baka..."

Nakaramdam ako ng matigas, mataba at mahabang sumusundot sa bukana ng puke ko. Shit, yun na ba yun? Kinabahan ako biglaan...

"Allan, don't you think we are going too fast?!?!?"

Idiniin mo pa lalo ang pakakakandong ko... Para na akong mawawarak... Mapapamura na yata ako...

"Allaaaaaan... Wag... Ang sakit... Tang ina, wag muna."

"Shhhh, babe. Trust me. 'Di tayo mahuhuli. Wala namang tao. Basta wag ka lang masyadong magulo at maingay... Sumunod ka lang sa sasabihin ko... Wag ka nang magpakipot Faith,puta pati butas ng pwet mo naglalawa."

Nagulat ako at naluha sa mga nasabi mo. Ni minsan wala pang nagsasabi sa akin ng ganun ka-brutal. Deep inside alam ko na dapat ko itong ikagalit pero parang lalo pa akong nalibugan.

"Allan, ipasok mo pa... Ang libog mong matanda ka! Tang ina, gusto mo bata? Gusto ko pakantot...Kantutin mo pa ako please... Ayan sariwa, warakin mo pa ako!"

"Puta ka talagang babae ka.Akala mo one time lang to? Babalik-balikan kita at lalaspagin. Neneng-nene ka pa, ang libog mo na."

Pagkasabi nito lalo mo pang diniin at pinasok ang titi mo sa biyak ko. Sobrang sakit pero habang hinahawakan mo ng kanag kamay mo ang balakang ko habang guma-guide sa pagtaas baba nito eh tinakpan mo naman ng kaliwang kamay mo ang bibig ko para mapigil ang aking pasigaw.

Gusto ko nang kagaitin ang iyong palad pero inalis mo ito sa pagkakatakip sa aking mga labi at nilamas mo ng dalawa mong kamay ang nagaalugan kong mga suso.

Ginawa mo akong jack hammer nung gabing 'yon Allan. Habang lumalakas ang mga impit kong ungol lalo ka pang ginaganahan. Binilisan ko pa ang pag giling... At naisipan kong hamunin ka pa...

"Shit Allan hanggang ganyan ka na lang ba? Wala ka palang kwenta hanggang text ka lang..."

"Puta ka talaga Faith, pakipot ka pa nung una... Putragis, ang sarap moooooooh! Kung sinabi mo nung una na gusto mo nang pakantot dapat noon pa kinayod na kita."

Iginiling ko pa nng iginiling ang balakang ko sa burat mo. At todo todo ang hagod ng matigas mong ari sa kepyas ko. Napakagat ka sa balikat ko siguro na rin dahil sa sobrang frustration dahil di ka makasigaw at dahil dito parang sinindihan mo pa ang kating gustong pakamot sa loob puke ko.

Hindi ko na ma-explain kong anong nangyari pagkatapos... Nasabi ko na lang, "Pakshet tingin ko malapit na..."

At parang bumuka ang langit at narinig ko na lang na sinabi mong, "Ohhhhhhhhhh....AHHHH-Ako rin."

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Mabuti na lang at nataon na walang tao at isang Jerry Bruckheimer film ang pinanood natin (na nangangahulugang malakas ang sound effects), walang kamalay malay ang guard at ang usher na may kababalaghang nangyari.

Hinatid mo pa ako sa gate ng bahay namin. At dun ko lang nabasa ang text mo ilang minuto bago tayo magkita...

"WR NA U? Ako yung naka-pulang polo... Yung may wedding ring."

THINGS TO DO LIST

1. Go back to school.

2. Learn how to speak a foreign language fluently.

3. Buy a purple guitar and learn how to play it.

4. Enrol Cj in swimming/ballet classes.

5. Learn how to be more patient.

6. Buy a DSLR and finally join a group for photo walks.

7. Learn more about the people in ULAYAW.

8. Take ODESK.com seriously.

9. Exercise.

10. FIND MY PLACE IN THE SUN. :)

I hope I can do most of these things before the year ends. I'll be working and praying very hard to achieve all these... AND PERHAPS MORE. :P

JILTED

It's a good thing that I can write. As Anne Frank wisely put it years back, "Paper is more patient than man." You can write things on wood pulp that you won't normally blurt out to strangers on the the side walk.

Writing is the cheapest form of theraphy. It keeps me sane. Give me a piece of paper and a good pen and I'll be as happy as a clam.

I remember the day when I surrendered the wedding and engagement rings to my mom. I told her to keep it and never show it to me ever again. But I still do remember that months before that I was happy. I was contented and I proudly showed the glistening rock on my finger to my gal pals and acquaintances. I was busy looking for wedding contacts. I was busy planning on the color motiff of the grand event and who would be the caterer... I even signed up for TheKnot.com's newsletter and created a webpage for my fiance and I. I was that in love...

Or perhaps not.

Perhaps I was just in love with the thought of getting married. Perhaps with everyone getting hitched it fueled me to jumped into the bandwagon and I tried to beat the buzzer too. Perhaps I was just in love with the fact that there was a pricey glittery object on my finger that was the envy of everyone. Perhaps I wasn't really in love with him.

Or perhaps I am just in denial. Because last year I was oh so looking forward for 2010 to start and little did I know that he was going to break my heart on New Year's Eve itself.

My boss told me that I am a work in progress. Hard as I might try to talk and act as sane as possible she knows that I'm fucked up because it can be seen in my work. When she told me that I asked, "So do you want me to resign?" She said no. She said she'll wait until I'm back to my old happy and healthy self.

I wish there is a manual somewhere in order for me to do so.

Sighs.